“His response was to fight it with the only weapons at hand—passive resistance and open displays of contempt.” ― Kurt Vonnegut, The Sirens of Titan
‘Mangina’ isn’t really the word I’m looking for, but anyway…
The term mangina has been floating around the manosphere for years, decades, longer than I’ve been involved. It is used to be as insulting an insult as one can throw. It describes a man who is so weak, so given over to feminism, that he is barely a man. A mangina is someone who acquiesces to women in such a large degree that he barely has a will or opinion of his own.
He believes women are better than him, or, otherwise, simply worth more than he is simply because he is male.
We all have to walk our own paths, journeying through this miserable excuse for existence one worthless day after another. My path, regrettably, took me through many, many years of thinking about women as precious little victims of evil men.
Things weren’t as clear-cut as just that, but that’s the basics of where I’m coming from. I wasn’t a male-feminist, or even someone who sympathised with feminists. I was always conscious of their hatred for me simply because I am a man. My schooling for grades 4 and 5 was at a school with only female teachers and I was front line for how terrible women can be to little boys.
For all intents and purposes, once I became a man, I was a mangina.
I was profoundly ignorant of the world around me and that ignorance lasted me far too long. My introduction to the real world of gender politics was about as dramatic and violent as I could have expected. I’ve posted elements of that story already on my blog.
This post is my confession. My ignorance is no more and I need to get this off my chest. Many of the things I’ve listed aren’t strictly of the definition of a mangina but it’s all part of a bigger picture.
I confess that:
Thirty-two years of my life went by and I paid almost no attention to the single fathers of the world and the pain they were experiencing, even though I was destined to become one of them.
I took for granted that mothers had primary custody of children after family breakdown.
I accepted that women make complaints against their partners with no proof of wrong-doing by the other party.
I accepted that single women who fell pregnant had automatic full custody of the child by default and the father wasn’t allowed in the child’s life without her approval.
I was ignorant of the truth that a father’s role in his children’s lives is solely at the permission of the children’s mother. He is only a part of their lives if she either gives her permission or doesn’t expressly deny them her permission.
I accepted that women could get a divorce for any reason or no reason and the man was still held one-hundred per cent responsible and lost his children, home and possessions without any concern for him or his children.
I accepted that fathers were forced out of the family home and made to rent tiny one bedroom apartments just so the mother could live ‘as she was accustomed’, and that this was sold as being for the benefit of the children.
I took for granted that men have no reproductive rights at all even though we are fully accountable for the choices women are solely entitled to make for us.
I took for granted that women control men’s reproductive rights and they have the authority to enslave men for 18+ years if they choose.
I took for granted that just because a woman has an abortion or puts a child up for adoption that the man didn’t want the child either.
I was completely unaware that men were five of every six suicides.
I accepted that while women could be violent too, domestic violence was the domain of men.
I didn’t know that men couldn’t just leave a violent relationship like women can.
I accepted that girls do better at school than boys without understanding that the education system has been designed specifically for girls at the sacrifice of boys. I was one of the boys who was crushed by the education system.
I believed it was my fault when a girlfriend had ‘a bad day’ and I ‘couldn’t make her happy’.
I took for granted that after my parents divorced my dad remained active and present in my life.
I never consciously noticed the hatred of fathers in mainstream media. (Now I can’t un-see it.)
I took for granted that none of the full-time teachers at my primary school were male.
I never noticed that the media had a vested interest in only promoting stories of male abusers and female victims, distorting the statistical prevalence of female abusers and male victims.
When I saw women getting hit by men I believed it to be worse than when I saw men getting hit by women.
I believed that violence against men, or even boys, wasn’t as morally unacceptable as violence against women.
I believed that men who married single mothers were heroes regardless of the circumstances of the mother’s singleness*.
As you see, these points aren’t specifically mangina-esk but they all dictated an under-current that informs the mangina mind-set.
There is no excuse for this now.
Not only is there no excuse for the prejudice against men and fathers as reflected in the list above to exist, but there is no excuse for anyone at this point in our history to be ignorant of these truths.
The rotten fathers in ads, TV shows and movies are now just a given. The endless incompetent or abusive fathers were all over popular media and I never noticed the prejudice that put them there. Not only did I not really notice them but I kind-of joined in.
Years ago I had a dream of being a screenwriter. I wanted to write movies, but now my priorities are elsewhere. I spent years writing short film scripts as a hobby and as I read back over them not long ago I noticed that I too diverted to the rotten father cliche to tell some of my stories. It was just so easy.
If I needed an abusive parent, it was the father. If I needed an abusive spouse, it was the husband abusing the always innocent and long-suffering wife. See, it was just so easy to perpetuate this hatred of fathers in my scripts because I was blind to the social engineering going on. I was a victim (a success story to them) of that social engineering. I bought what they were selling and I didn’t even know it.
I made the father my default bad guy and the mother a total victim of her husband’s failings as a man–since, according to popular media, only men have faults.
Thank goodness none of my scripts were filmed. I’d never have forgiven myself if I had inadvertently been part of that attack on fathers and put things into the ether that perpetuated the hatred.
There’s more, no doubt.
I listed 22 points but be sure it should be hundreds long to match my naivety. Thankfully that naivety is no more.
Someone, somewhere said the only mistake you make is not learning from them. There is something to be said of learning from your own mistakes but there is also something else to be said about learning from someone else’s.
In this instance, I didn’t get to learn from someone else’s and now have to live with the result, but what I won’t do is accept that my son will have to live with the possibility of ever experiencing what I have experienced.
He’ll have to live with his mother being ‘that’ sort of person, I don’t want him to have to live with a wife, or ex-wife, being ‘that’ sort too.
So, that is my confession. Incomplete, yet honest.
*I believe that men who take on the responsibility of parenting another man’s children when the biological father chooses to not be there are to be respected. I wouldn’t do it. The closest I would come to considering it would be if the mother shared the children 50/50 with the father and that happened because she chose to do the right thing, not because a court forced her to… not that a court would. Further, if the father wasn’t there at all I would only believe her claims that he chose to leave the children if I heard from his very mouth that he doesn’t care about his children.Confessions of a former Mangina. – http://wp.me/p7DoYf-2g